Whew. Let’s try this again..

I’M BACK!!!! Finally.

Oh, how I have missed my blog.  Let me catch you up a little…

Camryn is a 3rd grader now!! Holy crap, where did the time go????

Ken and I decided to postpone our wedding to the near future, not because we are questioning our love for each other, but I think it’s safe to say we are no longer rushing into these big life choices for now.  We call it “pumping the breaks” so we can breathe for a minute.  Since we met, we have done everything so fast, it’s time to enjoy life together and work on ourselves before making a commitment as big as marriage. 

The kids are blending together better than ever.  Which makes for a happier household, happier Ken, and happier Amber.  I think we are all understanding each other. 

As for me…I’ve learned so much about myself in this past year, that I finally feel like a different woman all together. 

I’m working full time again and it feels amazing!!!

I have many stories, emotions, and pictures to share, but that has to be done later.

It’s good to be back!!

Stay tuned….

Sometimes..you just can’t find words.

I’ve started so many entries for this blog (that probably only my mother reads), but one day I hope that my daughter finds it and sees how deep my thoughts are in life.  So much has happened in the last few months and I never thought that I would find myself writing again…but, here I am. Maybe it’s the Conneticut school shooting, maybe it’s the conversations I’ve had with Ken every night about EVERYTHING happening in our life, maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been off my “crazy meds” for months, whatever it may be, I’m here and I’m finding words again.  Life has never felt so real before.  The daily ups and downs that would have been devastating back in Texas are turning into things I’m strong enough to manage.  I have four kids (3 future step-kiddos and Camryn) that I share my life with and a man who loves me like I’ve never been loved before.  I’ve recently found out about a medical condition that I have, and it actually doesn’t have anything to do with my mental health…for once.  I have something called Uterine Fibroids (don’t fret, I’m not going to die), but it explains a lot of the issues I’ve struggled with in the past.  Now, you will think I’m crazy for saying this, but the part that worries me the most is not being able to have another child.  HOLD ON…before you let your chin hit the floor….I am perfectly fine with not having another baby and just getting a dog, BUT..I’ve never been in love the way I am now and I was robbed of an enjoyable pregnancy (thanks to Camryn’s dad) so would I love to experience my first marriage and another baby on loving terms????…ABSOLUTELY!!!! Wouldn’t you?? Making a little human being that is a mix of me and the man I’m in love with just sounds perfect in my world.  We know getting through the wedding first is important and making sure our already existing kids have what they need comes before anything.  Finding out I might be held back from something I really want, just sucks.  I also know this may be God’s plan.  Maybe he has different plans for our life. I guess we will just wait and see.

I’m going to try annd make it back here more often.  Now that my new life is simmering down, I might actually be able to use my brain for something other than kids, dinner, and laundry.  There is never a dull moment in this house, so I shouldn’t be burdened with writer’s block any time soon.

Stay tuned……

1 kid + 3 kids = 4 kids

I’m debating on whether to start a new blog due to the changes I have made in my life.  In 3 months, I’ve gone from being a single mom of 1 from Texas to a stay-at-home mom of 4 in Oklahoma. plus the future husband, who on some days counts as child 5.  When I was back in Texas I always said I didn’t want to stay at home and not work.  I still think I feel that way, but I’m managing to give this a shot. Everytime the dryer dings, I crave a job.  Almost every moment of my day, I crave a job.  Is this normal when you first start staying home after working?  Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’m having a hard time not being independant.  Then I think it’s boredom or feeling worthless.  This week I’m struggling with the worthless feelings.  My patience is thin and I want to hide underneath the bed when the kids get home from school because I can’t handle the overwhelming feling of everything I cleaned and organized during the day is being destroyed or the fact that everyone needs to do their homework, but I have to crack a whip to get them started on it. I love them all, but I feel suffocated some days.  Is this normal?? How do these moms keep up with all the housework and cook dinner and stay on top of the kids messiness, then not want to freak the hell out???????? AND have time to decorate and do all these crafty happy things.  It’s like i’m part braindead when it comes to this domestic shit.  Will I get used to this? Nope. I want a job. NOW! Then I can bitch about the mess when i get home from work.  But, at least I won’t feel like I’m living in a bubble.  How do women do this??

 

Stay tuned……

Laundry attack!

I actually love to do laundry, but today I don’t love it. The kids were apparently hoarding clothes in their room and decided to dump them all in the laundry room for me to do. Don’t get me wrong, that is my favorite room in the house because I spend most of my time in there, but now I have clothes to the ceiling. Good thing I have some stress to release.  Otherwise, nobody would be happy campers tonight.  I do know life could be worse. That’s all I have for now……needed to do a little bitchin’.

Stay tuned…..

Sent from a world of nonsense

I hope to understand one day

Considering I hold a foundation of faith in the good Lord, my heart will one day be healed from all the sorrow that it feels right now.  I’ve never been so scared of falling in love or being emotionally available for a new man. I’m trying to understand how to move past another failed relationship, I’m trying to understand what I can do better because everyone can change and improve no matter how good you have it.  I’m confident as a mother 90% of the time, but as a woman who wants to one day be someone’s wife, I’m not. It’s scary. I try not to let it bother me, but it does. I hold on to what is toxic for my life and find it hard to have enough respect for myself to push it away.  It’s loving too hard or being just plain stupid. Who knows. So, here I am, trying to understand what changes to make and hope I move forward into healing and learn from where I am at now.

Stay tuned….