Category Archives: Blah, Blah, Blah…

You may call me crazy, but come be me for a week.

Have you ever been so pissed off at your life that the one thing to make you feel worse is when people tell you to “just relax” or “it will be ok” or “think positive”??? Well, that is where I am at right now.  I’m mad that not one person around me understands how miserable it is to be alone, broke, and in a panic because you don’t know how it is going to get better.  I don’t like the person I am right now and I’m sure it’s miserable to even be around me, which is rare, because I would rather hole up in my apartment with Camryn than talk to anyone and people I would want around can’t stand to be around me.  I’m realizing if I don’t let people into my life, there is nobody to hurt me or judge me.  There is no controlling my emotions right now and nothing to even be a little bit excited about in life.  I’ve pretty much scared everyone away that even attempts to be a part of me.  I’m sure these feelings will pass and I’ll be fine, but for now, I have to figure out how to keep my child in daycare and pay for our home and groceries and all the other things that come along with being responsible for a child, because OBVIOUSLY, her own father can’t grasp that and figures I should just take care of everything alone while he plays with his friends on boats at the lake.  So, while everyone is out there judging me for crying, freaking out, being “crazy”, thinking negative, or not relaxing, you come be alone every damn night with not one person to talk too except your 6 year old, wondering how you are going to pay for bills or put gas in your car just to get to work, then make sure your child has her homework done, she is bathed, has clean clothes, food to eat, and the place is clean so you aren’t living in chaos and filth. You wake up EVERY morning, alone, with nobody to tell you to have a great day and kiss you bye.  Go to work and do the SAME thing everyday, then come home to a quiet apartment every night to do it ALL over again the next day.  Come do this ALONE and then tell me if you don’t want to cry, freak out, or hate yourself.  I’m not going to pretend like everything is fine, because it’s not.

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It’s real….

All I can say right now is that I feel amazing! Camryn is happy and I have never felt what I am feeling now…..stay tuned because this shit is going to get good!!! *wink*

 

 

You mess with the bull, you get the horns.

I’m a Taurus.   Stubborn, impatient, and loving.  I was born into this world thinking you could trust people and that bad things just didn’t come near you if you didn’t want them too.  My reality check happened the day I had to leave an emotional, physical, and mentally abusive relationship to keep a little girl from growing up in a family where only bad things happened.  That little girl is Camryn.  She has no idea what I have saved her from, nor do I really know what I’ve saved both of us from.  What I do know, is that I have protected her from seeing her dad the way I know her dad.  But, you can only hide the bad for so long.  He showed his true colors and it is very clear how selfish his world really is. Now I’m having to explain to an innocent 6 year old that I will never leave her or deny her coming home when she wants too.  She listened to her dad make it very clear he didn’t want to be around her anymore because “something else” came up.  This “something else” has a name and happens to be a girl. Weird.  Some people might think I’m jealous or crazy, but I am crazy when it comes to hurting Camryn’s feelings over something so selfish. I’m tired of the inconsistency, the bitterness, the laziness that he brings into our world for the short time he is around.  I’m tired of the fighting and all I can do is put it into the hands of higher authority.  There will come a day when Camryn knows I have worked so hard to provide a fair life for her. As I battle depression and confusion, I have to keep in mind that even small children have feelings too.  The look on her face when her dad dropped her off was a look of relief, but sadness.  He will never understand what he has done.  I left him the time he hit me in front of her at 10 months old and now I’m washing my hands of him.  No man should ever deserve to have their child if they can’t show respect. I have the bigger horns in this battle and I will stand proud of what I believe and I will do my best to make sure I never give up. Camryn only has me and if I’m not fighting for her, who will? It’s called genuine love. I possess it and others should. Such a sad and confusing world we live in these days.

 

“Wonder”land

I got a call from a long time friend last night asking me about some girl we went to high school with and if she and her husband split up because she saw some picture on Facebook, etc, etc, etc.  My answer is “I don’t talk to her and don’t know details”.  She quickly realizes I’m not into trying to figure out somebody’s business that she saw on FB, so she asked me what I was doing.  Simply stated, “I’m in bed”.  She says “You’re old”.  Well, I start to explain how my alarm goes off every morning at 5:35am, I can’t leave my house any later than 7:30am because Camryn will be tardy for school, that is after we argue over which uniform she is wearing for the day and me trying to throw on something “professional” for work,  drive an hour to work, get off at 5:00pm to drive an hour home, pick up Cam from daycare, figure out dinner, do homework with cam, make sure she is showered and in bed no later than 8:30pm, BY MYSELF.  So, being “old” is actually o.k. with me and whether or not some chick I went to high school with is getting divorced is NOT something I care about. I think.

So, of course, this is on my mind during my daily drive into the office.  As my mind was spinning and in a cranky mood, because Camryn was beyond difficult this morning, I start wondering if life will ever change for me and if I will ever get used to the daily routine that doesn’t allow me to feel anything but stressed and alone.  I’m learning not to throw pity parties anymore, but every once in a while I feel like I need to care about me because it’s easy to feel like nobody else does.  Everyone around me has SOMEONE to share affection with at night, they have someone that makes their day a little different from the one before.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my Camryn, we have great times laughing and reading together, but just to have that other person to care and ask ME about my day matters and my child doesn’t deserve to feel like she needs to take care of me.

Now my friend has me curious why someone gave up on their marriage, which leads me to wondering if I will ever find someone who would never give up on me, no matter how “crazy” or “emotional” or “fat” they think I am.  After giving so much of my heart away for almost 3 years and still wondering if that will ever be appreciated and returned isn’t settling well these days. I have always been someone who doesn’t give up hope on a relationship worth having, but curious if now I need to try to figure out how to do that.   My grandmother asked me the other night if I knew how beautiful I am and if I know what God has given me to make a difference in this world.  I truthfully answered “no” because I don’t feel beautiful, nor do I feel like anything I say or do makes that much of a difference. I know I’m a good mom and that is honestly most important to me.  So, what is my problem??  I’m starting to wonder how to pull my full potential of beauty and grace to the surface.  Is it that I’m not allowing change?  Holding onto a hope that will never be right??  Looking for the wrong partner in life?? Nothing makes sense, as always, and I’m tired of not knowing where all these “happy” people find their “happy”.

Maybe I’ll try to change my routine up a bit and allow some new light in…

Life IS weird

Waking up to Disney channel, the dog and Camryn at my feet. First question of the day…

Camryn: “Why is life so weird?”
Me: “How is it weird?”
Camryn: “It just is, I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you.”
Me: “Why are you up so early, it’s Saturday”
Camryn: “Because I need cough medicine” ::hack, hack::
Me: “Great, that sounds beautiful”
Camryn: “Told you mom”
Camryn: “Can we have donuts?”
Me: “Not today”
Camryn: “You’re mean”
Me: “I’m about to get mean”

As she crosses her arms and goes to let the dog inside after his morning pee….I hear…

Camryn: “Mom, it’s not my fault”

I’m scared to look and she is holding a piece of the blinds, a blind blade, I don’t know what they are called. I’ve had my eyes open for 5 minutes, it’s 7:40am on a saturday and it’s officially “Grandma time”. Since Camryn’s dad is MIA most of the time and what I mean by MIA is he is shacked up with his girlfriend, 4 hours away, with her kid or kids, we aren’t sure how many. She has given birth to 2, but the baby is never mentioned, not even by Camryn, who sees them once a month. Which happens to be perfectly fine with me. Ok, I’m off subject….

So, here it goes…time to get this party started…

We are headed to the grocery store to get cough medicine and milk, etc… considering I have a frozen pizza and that is it. NO DONUTS! I’m sure this trip will be interesting since I feel like I check my sanity at the door every time I walk in the place with Camryn. Pray for me.

Stay tuned…..