Category Archives: Camryn Heard A Who?

God knows best!

Hello again…it’s been a minute since I’ve shown my blog some love, but it’s nice to be back.  So much has happened while I’ve been away from here.  I’ve managed to get pregnant, get un-pregnant, and engaged all within the last few months.  Most people don’t know much about my new life because I choose to keep most of it private.  But, I think it’s time to share a little and hopefully touch some lives of people who may be going through or have been through  some things I’ve been facing lately.  Anyone who knows me or has read my blog, knows I have struggled with depression, worrying about everything possible, and simply trying to figure out who I am and what my purpose may be on this earth.  Last August I made a life-changing decision to pick up and leave Texas to start a life of blending a family and falling in love.  It hasn’t been easy, but it has taught me so much about myself as a woman and a mother.  My faith has grown to a new level as I have had to hand many of my doubts and struggles over to God.  I wish so badly I could erase so many things and people from my past, but I believe I would not be able to continue with my new life and family if I had not made the mistakes I did before I came here…and of course my foundation of faith has kept me strong.  I’m in love with a man who has had many struggles and hard times in his life.  He has made mistakes just like me and felt as if he was falling apart at some point in life, just as I have many times.  But, I truly have found a man who can understand pain, suffering, heartache, failure, and can love just as hard as me.  We are a team, lovers, parents, and christians.

We got a surprise in February that we were pregnant.  This was after I was told I had uterine fibroids and that conceiving would be difficult.  We were shocked, excited, and scared.  We have 4 kids between us already, how the hell are we going to make this work?? But, we put our faith in God that this is what was supposed to happen and we continued on with planning to bring our little baby into this crazy world.  We had already discussed getting married, but this pushed us to speed up the process.  We wanted to bring our baby into a family already united by marriage.  March 22nd I was rushed into surgery after finding out the day before we were miscarrying.  There was no baby, they told me BUT, there was our little baby, still inside me, he/she was just growing in the wrong place.  I have never been through any surgery before, nor been through a miscarriage.  So, as Ken and I sat in the hospital watching them prep me to go into the operating room, I could do nothing but cry and pray.  The thoughts of “will I live through this?” were scaring me like I’ve never been scared before.  “What if I never see my family again?” “What if I’ve sinned so horribly that God won’t accept me into Heaven?” This might sound so silly to some of you, but it happened.  I cried the entire way into the operating room, knowing my mom was rushing to get to me as fast as she could.  I just wanted to feel her hugs and tell everyone I knew that I loved them.  Within minutes all went dark and then I woke up in a big white cold room with nurses telling me to calm down and relax.  I was in surgery for almost two hours, the doctor tells me it was worse than he thought and they were keeping me overnight.  I felt empty, I hurt, I was scared, confused, and so thankful to see my family.  I felt loved like never before, but I missed my little baby that I had been taking care of for 10 weeks.  I was told there are parts of me that can no longer work and I had bigger incisions than expected and would be in a lot of pain for a while.  Ken never left my side, my mom filled in at our home with the kids where we couldn’t be and I got heartfelt phone calls from the ones who love me.  Everything happened so fast…How did this happen? Why did this happen? After allwoing things to sink in I know God knew what was best and now there is a little piece of Ken and I in heaven which is a more beautiful place than here.

Everyone grieves differently, we have chosen to cry when we need too, talk about it when we need too and focus on being the best parents we can be for our 4 children we already have.  We have focused on the wedding and building our family to be strong christians and bettering all of us as people.  I will be Ken’s wife and he will be my husband on August 10th.  I will also be a step-mom to 3 beautiful kids who need and deserve so much love that I know my heart can give.  Camryn will be gaining 3 siblings who she can learn from and count on as people who love her.  Our family is growing together, our parents suppport us and our siblings accept our decisions.  A year ago, I could not tell you who or what I was, but it is clear now that I am here to help build this family, my family, with love and faith.  I truly feel blessed to be where I am today and it’s been a long time since I could say that.  Now, it’s time to grow as a wife, a mother, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law, a better friend, and a christian.   There are many things I still need to face in my past that I will eventually let go of or “fix”, but for now I will enjoy my blessings God has given me today.  I will let the little things go, don’t worry about things I can’t change at this very moment, and remind the people I love how much I love and appreciate them because seriously….Without love, what do we have?  That includes loving yourself.

 

Stay tuned….

When life hands you lemons…throw them

Life can screw you in the arse sometimes, it can hurt, but as long as you get up and remember you have a meaning, life will scower into a hole and you win that battle.  I’ve been tempted to crawl into a hole lately, but I think about how far I’ve come and how many people depend on me to be here for them. How many people I need to tell that I love them, how many of my family and friends need to see me succeed in a relationship that I believe in.  For the first time in my life, I’m learning how to be a very private woman. Living in my personal bubble with my new family has shown me how capable I am of making this work. I have complete control over my daily life and it feels amazing. Life isn’t always perfect and people make mistakes that can throw your routine off track, but when you have true love and support, it is easy to find your happy place again.  Brush the dirt off your shoulders and chunk any lemons handed to you.  You are going to be ok. Period.

Stay tuned…..

Sent from a world of nonsense

I’m baaaaaack!

Soo, here I am and there you are and boy do I have some serious mental unloading to do.

We’ll start with the fact that I am an official resident of Oklahoma now. After living in Texas for 20 years, I’ve moved back “home”. Why?? Because I’m in love for the very first time ever in my life. If I could shout it from rooftops, create commercials, send mass emails just to get the message out, I would. But honestly, not many would care and the ones who do already know, soooo moving on. If you would have asked me 3 months ago if I thought I would ever be happy, I would have told you no. For a time, I thought I was going to be only a mom and be lonely forever. Then along came Awesome, My Awesome. We click on a level like I have never done with any man. We cherish and love each other beyond what words can explain. Anyone who has been in love understands this feeling. Camryn is doing fabulous in her new school and for the first time in years, she is seeing her mom happy. All of the kids are doing well with the adjustments. We love and respect each other and work together. I will never forget my parents saying that when I was young. “if we work together, we can get things done easier”. As a matter of fact, I’ve caught myself sounding just like my parents more than ever. If they could here me daily, they would be so proud. 😉 We have so much to thank God for when it comes to our new life. I know this wasn’t just luck. You better believe there will be some good blogging coming up. With 2 teen boys, a 10 yr old and 7 yr old girl in the house, you can only imagine what I see and hear….and smell in this house.

Regardless of how crazy I seem, I know we have God to lead the way on our new journey. With that faith, my heart is full.

Stay tuned…..

Sent from a world of nonsense

My Oxygen, My Love

7 years ago, I was recovering from bringing my baby girl into this world. I was in paradise. My life felt so real and worth living because she needed me. God knew I needed her and I still do. Everyday. Camryn gives me a reason, a reason to be ambitious, a reason to breathe. Life started for us 7 years ago and we have been through so much together. I’m confident that I’m giving her everything I can to make her love he life.

Happy 7th Birthday Camryn Anne! I love you more than I could ever express in words.

Stay tuned…

All the fishies in the sea….

SO, it’s been a while since I’ve posted any scoop, but I have been focused on everything else except writing (or typing).  Camryn is camping with grandma this week and I’ve been forced to just be focused on myself.  I’ve come to the realization that if I wasn’t a mother, life would be pretty damn boring.  Maybe it’s because I can’t remember what it was like when I wasn’t a mother or if it’s that I hated my life so much, so I’ve blocked it out.  Who knows where I would be, it’s scary to even think about.  It’s been a couple of weeks since I have seen the bottom of the pit or found myself in fetal position, crying like a little wimp.  That is a place I would like to stay far away from for now…or forever.  Lately, there doesn’t seem to be much of a filter on me and I haven’t been afraid to be a social butterfly.  I guess this is what they call “believing in yourself” and it feels pretty good.  I don’t want to regurgitate too much today, but stay tuned..

On a fun note…Camryn caught her first fish yesterday….

and she wears that shirt because she knows her mommy is fruit loops!!!