Whew. Let’s try this again..

I’M BACK!!!! Finally.

Oh, how I have missed my blog.  Let me catch you up a little…

Camryn is a 3rd grader now!! Holy crap, where did the time go????

Ken and I decided to postpone our wedding to the near future, not because we are questioning our love for each other, but I think it’s safe to say we are no longer rushing into these big life choices for now.  We call it “pumping the breaks” so we can breathe for a minute.  Since we met, we have done everything so fast, it’s time to enjoy life together and work on ourselves before making a commitment as big as marriage. 

The kids are blending together better than ever.  Which makes for a happier household, happier Ken, and happier Amber.  I think we are all understanding each other. 

As for me…I’ve learned so much about myself in this past year, that I finally feel like a different woman all together. 

I’m working full time again and it feels amazing!!!

I have many stories, emotions, and pictures to share, but that has to be done later.

It’s good to be back!!

Stay tuned….

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God knows best!

Hello again…it’s been a minute since I’ve shown my blog some love, but it’s nice to be back.  So much has happened while I’ve been away from here.  I’ve managed to get pregnant, get un-pregnant, and engaged all within the last few months.  Most people don’t know much about my new life because I choose to keep most of it private.  But, I think it’s time to share a little and hopefully touch some lives of people who may be going through or have been through  some things I’ve been facing lately.  Anyone who knows me or has read my blog, knows I have struggled with depression, worrying about everything possible, and simply trying to figure out who I am and what my purpose may be on this earth.  Last August I made a life-changing decision to pick up and leave Texas to start a life of blending a family and falling in love.  It hasn’t been easy, but it has taught me so much about myself as a woman and a mother.  My faith has grown to a new level as I have had to hand many of my doubts and struggles over to God.  I wish so badly I could erase so many things and people from my past, but I believe I would not be able to continue with my new life and family if I had not made the mistakes I did before I came here…and of course my foundation of faith has kept me strong.  I’m in love with a man who has had many struggles and hard times in his life.  He has made mistakes just like me and felt as if he was falling apart at some point in life, just as I have many times.  But, I truly have found a man who can understand pain, suffering, heartache, failure, and can love just as hard as me.  We are a team, lovers, parents, and christians.

We got a surprise in February that we were pregnant.  This was after I was told I had uterine fibroids and that conceiving would be difficult.  We were shocked, excited, and scared.  We have 4 kids between us already, how the hell are we going to make this work?? But, we put our faith in God that this is what was supposed to happen and we continued on with planning to bring our little baby into this crazy world.  We had already discussed getting married, but this pushed us to speed up the process.  We wanted to bring our baby into a family already united by marriage.  March 22nd I was rushed into surgery after finding out the day before we were miscarrying.  There was no baby, they told me BUT, there was our little baby, still inside me, he/she was just growing in the wrong place.  I have never been through any surgery before, nor been through a miscarriage.  So, as Ken and I sat in the hospital watching them prep me to go into the operating room, I could do nothing but cry and pray.  The thoughts of “will I live through this?” were scaring me like I’ve never been scared before.  “What if I never see my family again?” “What if I’ve sinned so horribly that God won’t accept me into Heaven?” This might sound so silly to some of you, but it happened.  I cried the entire way into the operating room, knowing my mom was rushing to get to me as fast as she could.  I just wanted to feel her hugs and tell everyone I knew that I loved them.  Within minutes all went dark and then I woke up in a big white cold room with nurses telling me to calm down and relax.  I was in surgery for almost two hours, the doctor tells me it was worse than he thought and they were keeping me overnight.  I felt empty, I hurt, I was scared, confused, and so thankful to see my family.  I felt loved like never before, but I missed my little baby that I had been taking care of for 10 weeks.  I was told there are parts of me that can no longer work and I had bigger incisions than expected and would be in a lot of pain for a while.  Ken never left my side, my mom filled in at our home with the kids where we couldn’t be and I got heartfelt phone calls from the ones who love me.  Everything happened so fast…How did this happen? Why did this happen? After allwoing things to sink in I know God knew what was best and now there is a little piece of Ken and I in heaven which is a more beautiful place than here.

Everyone grieves differently, we have chosen to cry when we need too, talk about it when we need too and focus on being the best parents we can be for our 4 children we already have.  We have focused on the wedding and building our family to be strong christians and bettering all of us as people.  I will be Ken’s wife and he will be my husband on August 10th.  I will also be a step-mom to 3 beautiful kids who need and deserve so much love that I know my heart can give.  Camryn will be gaining 3 siblings who she can learn from and count on as people who love her.  Our family is growing together, our parents suppport us and our siblings accept our decisions.  A year ago, I could not tell you who or what I was, but it is clear now that I am here to help build this family, my family, with love and faith.  I truly feel blessed to be where I am today and it’s been a long time since I could say that.  Now, it’s time to grow as a wife, a mother, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law, a better friend, and a christian.   There are many things I still need to face in my past that I will eventually let go of or “fix”, but for now I will enjoy my blessings God has given me today.  I will let the little things go, don’t worry about things I can’t change at this very moment, and remind the people I love how much I love and appreciate them because seriously….Without love, what do we have?  That includes loving yourself.

 

Stay tuned….

Busiest year of my life!

2013….whew. I’m tired already just thinking about this year. Let me start here…

I’m turning 30 in April, if that isn’t scary enough for me, I’m also having a baby. I still can’t believe I’m pregnant. It still doesn’t seem real some days. Since Ken and I had already planned to marry each other, we have decided to marry before our baby gets here. But wait….I’m not done…after a few months trying out this Stay At Home Mom thing, I’m going back to work. I’m cut out to be working, not cleaning, cooking, and slaving every moment of my life.

So far, the kids are handling everything well. We finally moved some of my furniture into the house and this is starting to all make sense, as God had a plan, now we are living it. Ken and I try to keep our faith a priority and we aren’t perfect, we sometimes make mistakes, I still worry too much about everything and he still balances me so I don’t fall off into the deep end. I never imagined myself in a loving, blended family of my own, but God has shown me that I have more meaning to this life besides being Camryn’s mommy. As I doubted myself daily in Texas as a woman, mother, office manager, friend, whatever I was, I know now that I learned and survived so much in Texas, all to prepare me for my life now. The pieces of my life puzzle are fitting snug into place. I still have so much more to do and have potential to continue bettering myself (as I will never be perfect) to become who I have always wanted to be….the type of mom that I’m satisfied with, a wife, a harder working employee, and many other things.

I do believe I’m finally making lemonade with all the lemons I’ve had stored my entire life.

Stay Tuned…

Sent from a world of nonsense

When you wish upon a star….

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I have the sweetest guy in the whole wide world. Ok, well sometimes he has his moments, and I’m not the easiest gal to handle sometimes, either. Anywho….somewhere out there in the sky is a star Ken named after me. (breaking into Fievel song from American Tale). I’m not sure why this is so freaking awesome to me, maybe it’s because it is a permanent way of showing his love for me before we actually say our “I do’s”. Whatever the reason, I love it….and him.

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(this is not unusual in our house) Here is a random picture of turkies chillin’ in our front yard….

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Happy Friday! Get yo’ Friday on people and never forget to love hard, fight fair, and stay humble. Stay tuned…..

Sent from a world of nonsense

Sometimes..you just can’t find words.

I’ve started so many entries for this blog (that probably only my mother reads), but one day I hope that my daughter finds it and sees how deep my thoughts are in life.  So much has happened in the last few months and I never thought that I would find myself writing again…but, here I am. Maybe it’s the Conneticut school shooting, maybe it’s the conversations I’ve had with Ken every night about EVERYTHING happening in our life, maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been off my “crazy meds” for months, whatever it may be, I’m here and I’m finding words again.  Life has never felt so real before.  The daily ups and downs that would have been devastating back in Texas are turning into things I’m strong enough to manage.  I have four kids (3 future step-kiddos and Camryn) that I share my life with and a man who loves me like I’ve never been loved before.  I’ve recently found out about a medical condition that I have, and it actually doesn’t have anything to do with my mental health…for once.  I have something called Uterine Fibroids (don’t fret, I’m not going to die), but it explains a lot of the issues I’ve struggled with in the past.  Now, you will think I’m crazy for saying this, but the part that worries me the most is not being able to have another child.  HOLD ON…before you let your chin hit the floor….I am perfectly fine with not having another baby and just getting a dog, BUT..I’ve never been in love the way I am now and I was robbed of an enjoyable pregnancy (thanks to Camryn’s dad) so would I love to experience my first marriage and another baby on loving terms????…ABSOLUTELY!!!! Wouldn’t you?? Making a little human being that is a mix of me and the man I’m in love with just sounds perfect in my world.  We know getting through the wedding first is important and making sure our already existing kids have what they need comes before anything.  Finding out I might be held back from something I really want, just sucks.  I also know this may be God’s plan.  Maybe he has different plans for our life. I guess we will just wait and see.

I’m going to try annd make it back here more often.  Now that my new life is simmering down, I might actually be able to use my brain for something other than kids, dinner, and laundry.  There is never a dull moment in this house, so I shouldn’t be burdened with writer’s block any time soon.

Stay tuned……