just can’t find words.

I’ve started so many entries for this blog (that probably only my mother reads), but one day I hope that my daughter finds it and sees how deep my thoughts are in life.  So much has happened in the last few months and I never thought that I would find myself writing again…but, here I am. Maybe it’s the Conneticut school shooting, maybe it’s the conversations I’ve had with Ken every night about EVERYTHING happening in our life, maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been off my “crazy meds” for months, whatever it may be, I’m here and I’m finding words again.  Life has never felt so real before.  The daily ups and downs that would have been devastating back in Texas are turning into things I’m strong enough to manage.  I have four kids (3 future step-kiddos and Camryn) that I share my life with and a man who loves me like I’ve never been loved before.  I’ve recently found out about a medical condition that I have, and it actually doesn’t have anything to do with my mental health…for once.  I have something called Uterine Fibroids (don’t fret, I’m not going to die), but it explains a lot of the issues I’ve struggled with in the past.  Now, you will think I’m crazy for saying this, but the part that worries me the most is not being able to have another child.  HOLD ON…before you let your chin hit the floor….I am perfectly fine with not having another baby and just getting a dog, BUT..I’ve never been in love the way I am now and I was robbed of an enjoyable pregnancy (thanks to Camryn’s dad) so would I love to experience my first marriage and another baby on loving terms????…ABSOLUTELY!!!! Wouldn’t you?? Making a little human being that is a mix of me and the man I’m in love with just sounds perfect in my world.  We know getting through the wedding first is important and making sure our already existing kids have what they need comes before anything.  Finding out I might be held back from something I really want, just sucks.  I also know this may be God’s plan.  Maybe he has different plans for our life. I guess we will just wait and see.

I’m going to try annd make it back here more often.  Now that my new life is simmering down, I might actually be able to use my brain for something other than kids, dinner, and laundry.  There is never a dull moment in this house, so I shouldn’t be burdened with writer’s block any time soon.

Stay tuned……


One thought on “ just can’t find words.

  1. hdwr54 says:

    Your Dad reads these also.

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