Category Archives: Stupid Cupid

The time has come….

I’m finally learning what it’s like to find that special someone that makes your entire world feel complete. I can’t predict my future, but I can feel something surrounding me that I never want to go away. I trusted God to put the right person into my life that will take away all of my sorrow and heal all of the heartache that other men caused. My selflessness can soar and my heart can burn for love that I’ve never been given. Any positive emotion that one can experience is happening to me all at once. I’m excited to wake up to find out what the day is bringing me. I’m ecstatic to start a new journey with a companion that wants me in his arms every day. The blessings I’m being handed are worth every minute of pain that I’ve experienced in the past. I’ve found something and someone that completes me. I’m falling deeper into this lust, love, and happiness as the minutes tick by. I know this can only get better for Camryn and everyone involved. For once, I can say…I’m happy!

You are MY awesome K.O.

Stay tuned….

Advertisements

I hope to understand one day

Considering I hold a foundation of faith in the good Lord, my heart will one day be healed from all the sorrow that it feels right now.  I’ve never been so scared of falling in love or being emotionally available for a new man. I’m trying to understand how to move past another failed relationship, I’m trying to understand what I can do better because everyone can change and improve no matter how good you have it.  I’m confident as a mother 90% of the time, but as a woman who wants to one day be someone’s wife, I’m not. It’s scary. I try not to let it bother me, but it does. I hold on to what is toxic for my life and find it hard to have enough respect for myself to push it away.  It’s loving too hard or being just plain stupid. Who knows. So, here I am, trying to understand what changes to make and hope I move forward into healing and learn from where I am at now.

Stay tuned….

Amber’s vow to Amber

I’ve made a vow to myself to stop wasting my energy into people who KNOW they are taking advantage of my love and kindness.  It hit me last night that I’m never going to find happiness in a relationship/friendship if I don’t move the hell on from people who don’t WANT to put me at the top of their priority list or even ON their priority list.  I’m not asking to be put on a pedestal, if anything I never want that, but I am needing to feel returned love if it’s desired.  I can no longer accept someone who is ashamed to tell his friends that he loves me and spends time with me.  I can longer accept the guy who delivers nothing but empty promises and steals my beauty from me for his own pleasure without any respect in return.  It is sad that someone as broken and beautiful as me is never giving the opportunity to feel worthy of others love and time.   For the first time in a looooong time, I’m learning to accept who I am as a woman and I’m feeling proud of what I have to offer in a relationship.  It is my responsibility to take care of myself and if I allow unkind, selfish, and cold people into my life, I should expect pain. Frankly, I’ve been through enough of that bullshit and no longer want it in my life.  I’m vowing to continue to love the people who deserve it and most of all MYSELF!!

Stay tuned…

Funkedified

In a little funk tonight. I’m missing Camryn. I’ve been home with my nose crammed in a book and feeling alone. I know people I want to be around are doing something fun, enjoying cocktails or at least have someone to converse with about their life. Is this my fault, I wonder? There isn’t but a few things I want to be doing right now and those things don’t exist in my life. Maybe life will change, maybe it won’t. I’m just ready for Camryn to be home from her camping trip and feel that satisfaction of knowing someone needs me at this very moment.

Tomorrow is a new day.

The light is flickering…

When I started this blog, I made a promise to myself that I would never hold back my true emotions and always be honest because this is my turf and it is the only place that I feel I have a voice and can only hope I inspire another person out there struggling with depression or the feelings of being a scared and lonely parent with only a little hope that life will be happy one day.  The past few weeks have been some of the most confusing, sad, and lonely weeks I’ve ever experienced. It’s almost like I have been having an outer body experience, but still able to truck through my daily responsibilities.  I’ve had my heart broken a couple of times by men I thought were entering my life with good intention. I have pushed myself into a financial bind trying to make sure I keep the bills paid on time because I don’t want to uproot Camryn again for obvious reasons. There have been people I pushed out of my life because I can’t afford to trust anyone right now. When I look in the mirror every morning, I want to change everything about myself, but I know I can’t right now. It’s hard for me to see anyone happy because I crave that feeling 24 hours a day and only find myself becoming even more bitter than what I already am right now. There are days I feel like a robot and I actually dread weekends because I know I have to spend time alone. Camryn doesn’t know how broken I feel because I make sure to always appear strong and in control. I know there are other people out there that have it worse than I do OR completely understand how I feel. But, it doesn’t change the hurt that is embedded inside me. I want to laugh again, be comfortable in my own skin, feel confident and beautiful, and be the light in someone’s life. I miss the days of not feeling panic and fear. The best memories I have of feeling peace were the car rides home after a softball game, riding in the quiet with the windows down and listening to my mom tell me how great I played, then her softly singing Air Supply or Bette Midler. I try to create calm and memorable experiences for Camryn, but I feel like I even fail at that. My life and mind feels turned upside down right now, but I also know without the ability to change, things will never be different. I’m making it a priority to do something different and face my darkest flaws. I’m going to try and see myself as a different woman, so I can be a different woman. I’m not all the way free from this dark tunnel I’m crawling in, but I think I see the light at the end…at least flickering.

Let the changes begin….

Stay tuned..

Oh, and Camryn did tell me tonight that she would never runaway from me because she has nowhere else to go and that is when I realized…I’m her “home” and safe zone. I must be doing something right. ::sigh:: She is my oxygen.