God knows best!

Hello again…it’s been a minute since I’ve shown my blog some love, but it’s nice to be back.  So much has happened while I’ve been away from here.  I’ve managed to get pregnant, get un-pregnant, and engaged all within the last few months.  Most people don’t know much about my new life because I choose to keep most of it private.  But, I think it’s time to share a little and hopefully touch some lives of people who may be going through or have been through  some things I’ve been facing lately.  Anyone who knows me or has read my blog, knows I have struggled with depression, worrying about everything possible, and simply trying to figure out who I am and what my purpose may be on this earth.  Last August I made a life-changing decision to pick up and leave Texas to start a life of blending a family and falling in love.  It hasn’t been easy, but it has taught me so much about myself as a woman and a mother.  My faith has grown to a new level as I have had to hand many of my doubts and struggles over to God.  I wish so badly I could erase so many things and people from my past, but I believe I would not be able to continue with my new life and family if I had not made the mistakes I did before I came here…and of course my foundation of faith has kept me strong.  I’m in love with a man who has had many struggles and hard times in his life.  He has made mistakes just like me and felt as if he was falling apart at some point in life, just as I have many times.  But, I truly have found a man who can understand pain, suffering, heartache, failure, and can love just as hard as me.  We are a team, lovers, parents, and christians.

We got a surprise in February that we were pregnant.  This was after I was told I had uterine fibroids and that conceiving would be difficult.  We were shocked, excited, and scared.  We have 4 kids between us already, how the hell are we going to make this work?? But, we put our faith in God that this is what was supposed to happen and we continued on with planning to bring our little baby into this crazy world.  We had already discussed getting married, but this pushed us to speed up the process.  We wanted to bring our baby into a family already united by marriage.  March 22nd I was rushed into surgery after finding out the day before we were miscarrying.  There was no baby, they told me BUT, there was our little baby, still inside me, he/she was just growing in the wrong place.  I have never been through any surgery before, nor been through a miscarriage.  So, as Ken and I sat in the hospital watching them prep me to go into the operating room, I could do nothing but cry and pray.  The thoughts of “will I live through this?” were scaring me like I’ve never been scared before.  “What if I never see my family again?” “What if I’ve sinned so horribly that God won’t accept me into Heaven?” This might sound so silly to some of you, but it happened.  I cried the entire way into the operating room, knowing my mom was rushing to get to me as fast as she could.  I just wanted to feel her hugs and tell everyone I knew that I loved them.  Within minutes all went dark and then I woke up in a big white cold room with nurses telling me to calm down and relax.  I was in surgery for almost two hours, the doctor tells me it was worse than he thought and they were keeping me overnight.  I felt empty, I hurt, I was scared, confused, and so thankful to see my family.  I felt loved like never before, but I missed my little baby that I had been taking care of for 10 weeks.  I was told there are parts of me that can no longer work and I had bigger incisions than expected and would be in a lot of pain for a while.  Ken never left my side, my mom filled in at our home with the kids where we couldn’t be and I got heartfelt phone calls from the ones who love me.  Everything happened so fast…How did this happen? Why did this happen? After allwoing things to sink in I know God knew what was best and now there is a little piece of Ken and I in heaven which is a more beautiful place than here.

Everyone grieves differently, we have chosen to cry when we need too, talk about it when we need too and focus on being the best parents we can be for our 4 children we already have.  We have focused on the wedding and building our family to be strong christians and bettering all of us as people.  I will be Ken’s wife and he will be my husband on August 10th.  I will also be a step-mom to 3 beautiful kids who need and deserve so much love that I know my heart can give.  Camryn will be gaining 3 siblings who she can learn from and count on as people who love her.  Our family is growing together, our parents suppport us and our siblings accept our decisions.  A year ago, I could not tell you who or what I was, but it is clear now that I am here to help build this family, my family, with love and faith.  I truly feel blessed to be where I am today and it’s been a long time since I could say that.  Now, it’s time to grow as a wife, a mother, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law, a better friend, and a christian.   There are many things I still need to face in my past that I will eventually let go of or “fix”, but for now I will enjoy my blessings God has given me today.  I will let the little things go, don’t worry about things I can’t change at this very moment, and remind the people I love how much I love and appreciate them because seriously….Without love, what do we have?  That includes loving yourself.

 

Stay tuned….