With the weight of my entire world on my shoulders, this is the darkest life has been in a long time. I feel like I only post about how unhappy I have been lately, but if I’m not honest and pretend life feels good, then what is the point of my blog? I’ve literally been trapped by my own misery the last few days and as I sit here questioning whether or not I’m going to make it through this, the only thing that keeps me hanging on is not failing Camryn. The feelings of not having any meaning in this world are stronger than ever. I’m not sure where I’m going in life, but I know right now it feels like nowhere. I wish I could be with my daughter after school and be financially stable, but that doesn’t seem to be an option right now. I’m terrified of what is going to happen with our life. Socializing with anyone is almost painful because to me, I’m the odd ball and I feel like I don’t make sense when I try to have a conversation. It’s like having this long term outer body experience with no control of your life. I’ll be seeing my doctor soon and hope to be able to make some changes. I feel lost, scared, and sad I’m in this position. I just want out! I want to feel peace! If I could snap my fingers and be better, that would be exactly what I do. I’m not sure why I’m like this and I know some major financial trauma and illness has probably triggered this, but it is miserable. I hate it.
Hoping to feel better soon….