When I started this blog, I made a promise to myself that I would never hold back my true emotions and always be honest because this is my turf and it is the only place that I feel I have a voice and can only hope I inspire another person out there struggling with depression or the feelings of being a scared and lonely parent with only a little hope that life will be happy one day. The past few weeks have been some of the most confusing, sad, and lonely weeks I’ve ever experienced. It’s almost like I have been having an outer body experience, but still able to truck through my daily responsibilities. I’ve had my heart broken a couple of times by men I thought were entering my life with good intention. I have pushed myself into a financial bind trying to make sure I keep the bills paid on time because I don’t want to uproot Camryn again for obvious reasons. There have been people I pushed out of my life because I can’t afford to trust anyone right now. When I look in the mirror every morning, I want to change everything about myself, but I know I can’t right now. It’s hard for me to see anyone happy because I crave that feeling 24 hours a day and only find myself becoming even more bitter than what I already am right now. There are days I feel like a robot and I actually dread weekends because I know I have to spend time alone. Camryn doesn’t know how broken I feel because I make sure to always appear strong and in control. I know there are other people out there that have it worse than I do OR completely understand how I feel. But, it doesn’t change the hurt that is embedded inside me. I want to laugh again, be comfortable in my own skin, feel confident and beautiful, and be the light in someone’s life. I miss the days of not feeling panic and fear. The best memories I have of feeling peace were the car rides home after a softball game, riding in the quiet with the windows down and listening to my mom tell me how great I played, then her softly singing Air Supply or Bette Midler. I try to create calm and memorable experiences for Camryn, but I feel like I even fail at that. My life and mind feels turned upside down right now, but I also know without the ability to change, things will never be different. I’m making it a priority to do something different and face my darkest flaws. I’m going to try and see myself as a different woman, so I can be a different woman. I’m not all the way free from this dark tunnel I’m crawling in, but I think I see the light at the end…at least flickering.
Let the changes begin….
Oh, and Camryn did tell me tonight that she would never runaway from me because she has nowhere else to go and that is when I realized…I’m her “home” and safe zone. I must be doing something right. ::sigh:: She is my oxygen.