Have you ever been so pissed off at your life that the one thing to make you feel worse is when people tell you to “just relax” or “it will be ok” or “think positive”??? Well, that is where I am at right now. I’m mad that not one person around me understands how miserable it is to be alone, broke, and in a panic because you don’t know how it is going to get better. I don’t like the person I am right now and I’m sure it’s miserable to even be around me, which is rare, because I would rather hole up in my apartment with Camryn than talk to anyone and people I would want around can’t stand to be around me. I’m realizing if I don’t let people into my life, there is nobody to hurt me or judge me. There is no controlling my emotions right now and nothing to even be a little bit excited about in life. I’ve pretty much scared everyone away that even attempts to be a part of me. I’m sure these feelings will pass and I’ll be fine, but for now, I have to figure out how to keep my child in daycare and pay for our home and groceries and all the other things that come along with being responsible for a child, because OBVIOUSLY, her own father can’t grasp that and figures I should just take care of everything alone while he plays with his friends on boats at the lake. So, while everyone is out there judging me for crying, freaking out, being “crazy”, thinking negative, or not relaxing, you come be alone every damn night with not one person to talk too except your 6 year old, wondering how you are going to pay for bills or put gas in your car just to get to work, then make sure your child has her homework done, she is bathed, has clean clothes, food to eat, and the place is clean so you aren’t living in chaos and filth. You wake up EVERY morning, alone, with nobody to tell you to have a great day and kiss you bye. Go to work and do the SAME thing everyday, then come home to a quiet apartment every night to do it ALL over again the next day. Come do this ALONE and then tell me if you don’t want to cry, freak out, or hate yourself. I’m not going to pretend like everything is fine, because it’s not.
You may call me crazy, but come be me for a week.