“Chin up, Amber”

There have been many changes in my life recently.  I haven’t felt such a whirlwind of different emotions in a long time.  I’ve done nothing but drive myself crazy with overflowing thoughts and creation of an analysis for every moment in my life.  One day there is love, the next it’s gone.  Then there are tears, then there is hate.  Another day confusion, followed by a feeling of defeat.  After the nonsense comes healing, faith, hope, laughter, and peace.  “Chin up Amber” is what I  have to remind myself when the world is caving in on me.  As I was crawling towards that dark corner to hide from the feeling of embarrassment of loving too hard, feelings of guilt for betraying myself and what I stand for as Camryn’s mother and as a woman…I stopped myself, for the first time, from occupying that dark place.  The good thing about being lonely sometimes is understanding nobody is going to come and find you and pull you from your personal shithole.  My birthday was when it hit me, waiting on people to make me happy, isn’t taking me anywhere.  I’m 29 and life is only getting shorter.  My daughter, more than anyone, needs me and loves me.  She has no idea the crazy places my mind takes me, nor does she see or hear me cry after she falls asleep at night.  Most evenings, I’m content and my mind isn’t racing, but sometimes you can’t control what feels like a tsunami of sadness.  It’s time for a change.  Today, I will rid my world of regret.  To some people, I’m a screw up, to others I’m beautiful, but where I have been has only brought me here and this is exactly where I am suppose to be.  On a lighter note….

Have you ever seen a flying giraffe?  Well, they are out there, but don’t hold your breath because only Camryn knows where they are hiding.  As she stares into space on our daily drive home, there is only silence in the car.  Which is unheard of around my child.  After my 2 minutes of quiet, she begins to tell me about the flying giraffes and flying cats that were huddled together discussing football, in her mind. ::sigh:: Hey, it makes sense to her, it should make sense to me.

Stay tuned…


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