“Wonder”land

I got a call from a long time friend last night asking me about some girl we went to high school with and if she and her husband split up because she saw some picture on Facebook, etc, etc, etc.  My answer is “I don’t talk to her and don’t know details”.  She quickly realizes I’m not into trying to figure out somebody’s business that she saw on FB, so she asked me what I was doing.  Simply stated, “I’m in bed”.  She says “You’re old”.  Well, I start to explain how my alarm goes off every morning at 5:35am, I can’t leave my house any later than 7:30am because Camryn will be tardy for school, that is after we argue over which uniform she is wearing for the day and me trying to throw on something “professional” for work,  drive an hour to work, get off at 5:00pm to drive an hour home, pick up Cam from daycare, figure out dinner, do homework with cam, make sure she is showered and in bed no later than 8:30pm, BY MYSELF.  So, being “old” is actually o.k. with me and whether or not some chick I went to high school with is getting divorced is NOT something I care about. I think.

So, of course, this is on my mind during my daily drive into the office.  As my mind was spinning and in a cranky mood, because Camryn was beyond difficult this morning, I start wondering if life will ever change for me and if I will ever get used to the daily routine that doesn’t allow me to feel anything but stressed and alone.  I’m learning not to throw pity parties anymore, but every once in a while I feel like I need to care about me because it’s easy to feel like nobody else does.  Everyone around me has SOMEONE to share affection with at night, they have someone that makes their day a little different from the one before.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my Camryn, we have great times laughing and reading together, but just to have that other person to care and ask ME about my day matters and my child doesn’t deserve to feel like she needs to take care of me.

Now my friend has me curious why someone gave up on their marriage, which leads me to wondering if I will ever find someone who would never give up on me, no matter how “crazy” or “emotional” or “fat” they think I am.  After giving so much of my heart away for almost 3 years and still wondering if that will ever be appreciated and returned isn’t settling well these days. I have always been someone who doesn’t give up hope on a relationship worth having, but curious if now I need to try to figure out how to do that.   My grandmother asked me the other night if I knew how beautiful I am and if I know what God has given me to make a difference in this world.  I truthfully answered “no” because I don’t feel beautiful, nor do I feel like anything I say or do makes that much of a difference. I know I’m a good mom and that is honestly most important to me.  So, what is my problem??  I’m starting to wonder how to pull my full potential of beauty and grace to the surface.  Is it that I’m not allowing change?  Holding onto a hope that will never be right??  Looking for the wrong partner in life?? Nothing makes sense, as always, and I’m tired of not knowing where all these “happy” people find their “happy”.

Maybe I’ll try to change my routine up a bit and allow some new light in…

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